Filter Sold Separately

I'm a very passionate person. I'll defend those I love right to the ground. I'm very outspoken when it comes to things I believe in. When I love some body I love them hard. Unfortunately for me, I lack a filter. I find that things that should never see the light of day, exit my mouth on a regular basis. I'm a grown woman and I should know better. It is something I struggle with daily. And, something that has caused me to sabotage everything that has ever been good in my life. For someone that is so passionate and outspoken some may find it hard to believe that I have zero self-confidence. A crazy revelation I know, but it's the truth. It stems from a life time of not being good enough at anything. I wasn't smart in school. I never finished college. I didn't meet a doctor or a lawyer and marry well. I committed the sin of living with my boyfriend before we were married, followed by the ultimate sin of bearing a child out of wedlock. Then, preceded to marry the father of my child who in turn left me a single mother and a burden on my family. In the dictionary next to "disappointment" is a huge picture of me. My favorite Julia Roberts movie is Pretty Woman. The scene that always sticks out in my mind is when she and Richard Gere are talking about how she ended up being a hooker in LA. Towards the end of that scene she says, 'People put you down long enough you start to believe it.' He says, 'You could be so much more.' And she says, 'The bad stuff is easier to believe. Have you ever noticed that?' That is my life in two sentences. If I can't find a way to climb over this obstacle and change my way of thinking I'm going to find myself alone again. And if that happens I will be alone for the rest of my life and deserve exactly what I get.

As The Crab Squirms

Tonight I was introduced to the Deadliest Catch. The Knight loves this show. From what I can gather it's a glorified man's soap opera. Lots of drama. Lots of action. Each boat is a different family. Sometimes they like each other, sometimes they don't. Don't get me wrong, this crabbing thing in the middle of a raging, freezing sea is definitely a dangerous job. They deserve every penny they earn. For a girl that doesn't like seafood I can't get into the yucky crab part of it. I would not want The Knight to do this job. I don't care how big a house we could afford with the money he would make. Plus, I don't know how long these guys are out there but I wouldn't like being away from The Knight that long. I worry enough about him driving around in the heat building pools all day. I couldn't handle worrying about him getting sucked into the raging sea with crabs hanging off of him. The Knight laughs at me because I worry. That's my job. I like having him home every night curled up in my lap like a puppy. Eyes closed with a big smile on his face while I rub his smooth, bald head. Ahhh, heaven!

Ground Zero

This morning The Spare woke up uncharacteristically early. She came in crying that her stomach hurt. The natural question from buried under the covers being, "Are you going to throw up?" She said she didn't know and I preceded to ask her to get her butt to the bathroom because I was not in the mood to clean puke off the carpet at 5 am. It never ceases to amaze me that when one of my kids feels sick to their stomachs they have to come in and tell me first. As if they need my permission to go to the toilet and throw up. I tell them over and over again, PLEASE if you're going to hurl make your way quickly to the bathroom. Do not stop along the way to inform me you are doing so. I'll know you're throwing up with the first splash. Over the years, I've had to clean up my share of puke filled bed sheets. It's not fun. Ok, I digress, back to The Spare. The poor thing had a fever of 101. I don't know what she had or where she could have gotten it but it came on fast. She spent most of the day sleeping, which is definitely a sign that she is not feeling well. The Heir would sleep all day if I let her. The Spare is up at the ass-crack of dawn and she is in no way a quiet person in the morning.  She was feeling well enough to hit Rita's for dessert tonight though. I'm hoping this doesn't come back to bite me later with an early morning visit to the porcelain throne.  Usually my kids are only down for 24 hours.  They're back to normal almost instantly. The Spare really wants to go back to summer camp tomorrow so I do hope she's feeling better. It's never fun when your kid is sick. Now, if she passes those germs on to me I'll be sick for a month. As The Knight put it this evening, we're ground zero for the CDC right now. Ha, ha. Guess who's getting a big, sloppy kiss when I see him tomorrow.

To Do or Not To Do?

I love doing nothing on a Sunday. In my opinion, nothing is exactly what Sunday was meant for. Naturally, The Heir and Spare would disagree but I say, oh well. Every day of the week is busy for me. I think I'm entitled to a little bit of nothing every once in awhile. I enjoy sitting in my ratty recliner all day with magazines, my iPod and my laptop. Kids wander in and out all day. They whine about being bored but I just shake my head and send them on their way. When you reach a certain age you should be able to entertain yourself. Some people disagree with that line of thinking. Here's my justification. I've been a single mother the entire time my children have breathed. In the early years, I was their sole support for everything. Tag team feeding of a baby and three year-old?  Yup, I did it. One hand keeping a butt on the potty and the other hand changing a diaper? Mastered in no time. Reading the same three bedtime stories every night to each kid before they could go to sleep? I did that for 5 years! All me! Now, everybody can feed, wash and dress themselves. They both can use the toilet with no problem, can read all by themselves and know how to work the remote. I'd say I've more than earned the chance to say, "No, actually, I don't want to take the Little Master to the dog beach. Go and enjoy yourselves. Your perfectly capable of going without me."  I enjoy doing stuff with my kids. However, I also have no problem whatsoever doing nothing with them as well. I do not see the need to be their 24 hour Cruise Director anymore.  I don't think this makes me a bad mother but I guess we'll have to see when The Heir and Spare have grown up. If they leave the house and never speak to me again then it's obvious the answer to that question will be a big fat FAIL! Here's hoping they still love me when the growing up is all done.

Memory Lane

Well, it's official! I'm definitely old. I spent the afternoon with a group of my high school classmates. Some of these people I hadn't seen since graduation. Some I'd seen at my 10 year reunion. It was a great time. There were lots of little kids running around. It was crazy that The Heir would have been the oldest kid there if she had come. Neither The Heir or Spare were too keen on seeing a bunch of old people Mom knew in high school. Oh well, their loss. I was very happy to see The Knight's twin brother's high school girlfriend. She and I shared a lot way back in the day. She hasn't changed one bit. There were many other old friends that I spent so much time with back then that I got to see again today. It was so great. The Knight was such a trooper. He got all dressed up and came with me. What a guy! He looked good too. He lasted about an hour. It made me so happy that he came. It seems that my facebook and blogging have given me quite a reputation among my old high school pals. I'm glad to know that I can bring a smile to their faces every day. It's hard to believe it's been almost 20 years since my high school days. A few of the girls I saw today I've known since I was in elementary school. Time flies by so quickly. I hope I can get together with the people that are still in the area. It would be nice to meet up every couple of months to catch up on life and remember the good old days. In high school it seemed like life stretched out forever. Now, almost 20 years later, time is getting shorter and reconnecting with old friends takes on a new urgency. In 2 years it will be time for the BIG 2-0!! I hope it's a big bash. I can't wait!!

Meet The In-Laws

Tonight I went with The Knight to visit his twin brother and family. This was the first "family" function on The Knight's side. It was a very informal gathering. Just the brothers and their girls. I had fun. It still amazes me that these two boys that I knew in high school are now grown men with kids. The brother's wife is very nice. She was a student of The Step-Queen's once a upon a time. What a small world it really is. We ate burgers and talked about random things. I taught the brother's 6 year-old how to tie her shoe. She's a sweet little girl. You can definitely tell she's The Princess-in-Waiting's cousin. They have very similar personalities and mannerisms. It will be interesting to see how The Heir and Spare blend into the family. I hope The Knight's parents are as accepting as his brother. Of course, it helps that we knew each other in high school. It's not like I'm a complete stranger or anything. I'm looking forward to becoming good friends with the future sister-in-law. It will be nice to have someone other than my own sister to do things with. Another step towards the start of a wonderful relationship. Next up, The Princess-in-Waiting. Her reaction is the one that worries me the most. I pray every day she'll be happy about the new additions to her father's life. I harbor a deep fear that her disapproval could be the end to everything I've worked for these last 5 months. My stomach is tied up in knots over it. 

I'm In Love!!

Man, there's nothing like the sweet smell of success. It was a hard fought battle but right now my new car is sitting in the driveway. I went with the VW Bug. It's a beauty, let me tell you. The deciding factor was the car payment. I haggled with the Jeep dealer all week but they wouldn't budge one penny on the price. The Bug won in the end. I love it. It's an '06 model and that's fine with me. It has only 11,000 miles on it which is not bad for a 4 year-old car. It's the prettiest yellow you've ever seen. The girls and I drove around with the top down and had a blast. It is such a fun car to drive. The speed and power are amazing. And, I do look pretty good in it if I do say so myself. In the end, I'm very happy with my choice. I still haven't found the perfect flower for my little dashboard vase but I will in time. I'm just thrilled to own a car that I picked out all by myself. It's about time I had something I wanted. I'm going to enjoy driving it for a long time. This baby was definitely made for me.

Finally!

Tomorrow I'll be a new car owner. Well, I hope I will. I've been working on this for a week. I can't believe the end is finally near. At least, it will be the end if I manage to secure a vehicle. Otherwise, I'll be stuck in the mini-van for awhile longer. The tension is thick. I'm going to try to get some sleep. I hope it all works out for the best.

Play It Again Heir

Well, we're back in the great state of New Jersey for another lacrosse tournament. The summer season is drawing to a close. Next weekend is the last one. Whew! It's been a busy one. The Heir's team won their first game 9-2 and lost their second game 9-5.  The Step-King brought The Heir up for the afternoon games today. I had to work then joined them later in this evening. The whole ride I kept thinking about what it would be like if I was making the drive in my new car. I saw Beetles and Jeeps all over the road this afternoon. Way more then I've ever noticed before. The Universe is trying to help me decide. Anyway, back to The Heir. She played well but was stuck on defense the whole time. She's a very fast runner. I guess it doesn't hurt that she's 5'5" and only 12 years-old. She's got some seriously long legs. I have no doubt that she will grow up to be an amazing lacrosse player. It's funny to watch the 2 year-old who couldn't stand a speck of dust falling on her or would cry if you sneezed in her direction grow up to be this hard charging in your face athlete. Kids can surprise you, that's for sure. Three more games tomorrow. Let's hope they win them all!

One Ulcer Coming Right Up!

In 2 days I should have the car ordeal resolved. It's been quite a journey so far. I never imagined it would be so crazy. I think I've made my decision. I won't reveal it yet. Don't want to get the horn before the car, so to speak. The challenge right now is what to do with the current vehicle. To say that part of the equation has been stressful is a huge understatement. I can feel the ulcer it has given me growing bigger by the second. I don't want to leave anybody holding the keys. But, I don't want to drive it anymore either. Tomorrow we'll find out the final payoff and I'm praying extra hard it comes at a number that will make all this stress unnecessary. I'm thinking positive. I know The Universe will provide the outcome that I want. I can picture myself riding around in the car I've chosen. I can see it every time I close my eyes. I took The Heir and The Spare to the dealership to give it a dry run. I had to verify everybody could fit but mostly I just wanted to see the car in person again and sit in the driver's seat. It was so nice. I look so good in it. The thought of driving a car that I choose is such a great feeling. As everyone should know by now, patience is not my strong suit. I'm willing these last couple of days to fly by. I've never wanted a Saturday to come faster in my whole life.

The Debate Roars On!

I've been quite surprised at the heated debate that has cropped up among my online family about the car I should be driving. There's a distinct Jeep camp and Beetle camp. Naturally the discussion has been nothing but civil and often quite hilarious. I'm pleased that so many of my friends are interested and genuinely care. It's so nice.  The decision is getting closer every day. I've managed to secure a great rate on car insurance through Geico. That's a plus. I've run the Beetle through their system now I've got to run the Jeep. It will be interesting to see if the rate stays the same. When all is said and done it's going to come down to the car payment. I love them both but I need to be realistic and go with the one that I'll be able to pay for without digging myself deeper into debt. The decision will be made by Saturday so you all will have to wait and see. Either way I know it will be a good choice.

Another Contender

The Knight and I went to our local Volkswagen dealership after work today. The Knight has a Jetta and loves it.  I thought it might be a good idea to check out the New Beetle Convertible. They're so cute and I've always loved them. I jumped on the website and built one. It was a lot of fun. They only had a couple used ones there so at first I wasn't interested. I really wanted a  new car. Then, the sales guy showed us an '06 Beetle all pretty in the showroom. I was hooked. It was the cutest thing. I jumped in the front seat and I could tell by the look on The Knight's face that this was the winner. But, like the good guy that he is, he didn't make any comments. The Knight and The Sales Guy talked shop a little. The Knight told him how I was in the market for a car that I wanted. I've always driven other people's hand-me-downs or had the decision on what new car I would drive made for me. Not this time. The Knight told The Sales Guy exactly what I wanted; a convertible, a manual transmission and a hook-up for my iPod. The Sales Guy said this was it because brand new Beetle Convertibles are only automatic now. Well, that just won't do. I know it may sound crazy but I enjoy a stick shift. Every car, save for the mini-van I'm driving now, have been stick shift. It gives me something to do. Plus, it's fun. After The Sales Guy left us alone for a bit The Knight told me that this was definitely the car for me. I looked good in it and it fit my personality. I would have to agree with him. Besides, the payment will be much easier for me to make then the payment on the Jeep would be. That's a bonus since the whole reason for getting into a new car is to re-build my credit. And, of course since I was a hippie flower child in high school and still hang on to those ways a tiny bit it seems appropriate to drive a Bug. I hope I can have this wrapped up for good by the end of the week.

Waiting Stinks!

It's been a whole week since I've laid eyes on The Knight. Silly as it may sound, it's been rough. I've missed him terribly. He always laughs at me and says we talk and text all day every day. I know but it's not the same as seeing him with my eyes and rubbing his bald head. I finally got to see him tonight and it was heaven. I don't know if it was my imagination but I swear he smelled different. He looked at me strange and assured me it was the same Old Spice shower gel he always uses. I'm not convinced. I'll have to investigate further. Every time we're apart for an extended period I always get grumpy thinking about what a drag it is that I can't see him all the time. It seems like forever before we'll finally be under the safe roof living happily ever after with our 3 darling daughters. Well, patience is something I do not have but The Knight is determined to teach me. Whatever, I just want to be able to rub that baby smooth head whenever I want and see his smile. Oh and a few kisses wouldn't be bad either.

I Love That Smell!

Ahh! There's nothing like the smell of a new car. I don't know what it is but it's so nice. Why doesn't anything else smell so divine when it's new? Well, I guess the smell of new baby is also quite nice. But, I digress. Today, The Heir, Spare and I test drove a Jeep Wrangler. Ever since I was in high school and happily in love with The Knight, I have always wanted a Jeep. The Knight is absolutely and totally to blame for that. He and his twin brother had one back in the day. I loved riding in that thing. I never remember being allowed to drive it now that I think about it. It was black with gray interior. I can remember it like it was yesterday. In the summer, The Knight would take the doors off. I was always terrified I would fall out of it even though I was very securely buckled in. Ever since then I can't see a Jeep Wrangler drive by without thinking about The Knight. All those years we were apart I still thought of him every time I saw one.  We test drove a very basic model. So basic it had manual windows. The Heir and Spare have only ever seen power windows. Both girls were amazed and loved the "wind-up" windows a lot. I was happy to be driving a stick again. It didn't take long to get the hang of it again. In the quest to repair my poor financial picture it's important that I own something like a car. I need a big ticket item on my credit report that I'm paying faithfully to get those darn credit scores moving in the right direction. I haven't owned a car in my name in more than 12 years. I'm determined to get into that Jeep by the end of the week. I finally want to own something that I decided on all on my own. Besides, I'm going to look damn good in that silver Jeep with the top down. I never was a mini-van mom.

Getting Closer to the Goal

Well, we may finally start to see some action for The Heir on the modeling, acting front. Tonight we went to an informational meeting with an agency in the area that represents kids in film, tv, and print work. They have stuff in the pipeline that The Heir could possibly get into. She has worked really hard since November. I know she's beyond ready to see some results from all of this. I'm proud of all the hard work and sacrifice she's made since this all started. I know it's going to pay off big for her. I keep telling her that this is an opportunity that could change her life in a way we never dreamed possible. I've always wanted to give The Heir and The Spare every opportunity I never had. Maybe we'll be seeing The Heir on the big screen before long. Everyone cross those fingers and stay tuned.

The Cat Needs A What?

I hate cats with a passion like no other. I'm allergic to them. And, of course, they know it the minute I walk in the door. If there's a cat anywhere in the house it will come at me like a bullet and wrap itself around me. The whole time I'm sitting stiff as a board praying the damn thing will go away. The cat just looks at me with it's evil cat eyes and seems to smile at my pain. As long as I don't touch them I don't have a problem. The minute a cat hair comes in contact with any part of my face it's over. Puffy eyes, running itchy nose, sneezing like there's no tomorrow. The Knight has a cat. A scruffy, irritating, indoor/outdoor cat. I hate it. I was told he would be moving in with someone else but I don't think that's going to happen. As with all of the feline persuasion, The Knight's cat knows I dislike him. He stares at me. He tries to get me to pet him. He sprawls across the bed when I'm trying to make it in the morning. The last couple of days he's had a cough. I thought it was a particularly bad hairball. But, as it got worse it became obvious that the cat needed a trip to the vet. This cat has never seen the inside of a vet. He was a stray The Knight's first wife picked up. Well, it seems the cat has asthma. Yes, blogosphere, asthma. Not cancer, or Feline Leukemia or diabetes. He has asthma. For the next 2 months, The Knight has to force feed a big old horse pill down it's throat every day. After that, a kitty inhaler. When I heard this I almost choked. A kitty inhaler? I had no idea something like that existed. Well, it does. A little tiny mask to put over it's nose and mouth. I can't believe it. And, of course, this thing is never going to die. The Knight and I will be pushing 90 and this darn cat is going to be walking around with an oxygen tank strapped to its back. Can I say it again? I HATE CATS!!

It's Just Not Enough

Tonight my heart aches. Not for a lost superstar or the children he left behind. But, for a person so dear to me that I can't imagine living without him. All I have to give is my love and undying support but sometimes that is not enough. Hearing the pain and defeat in his voice makes tears well up inside me. I know how much he's already struggled. I know how much he wants his dreams for the 4 girls he loves so much to come true. I feel helpless. I pray to God for the power to wipe it all away so I can see that smile and hear that laugh again. He's such a good man. He has such a pure heart. He only wants to love and take care of his family. I love him dearly. He's my reason for living. All I want to do is ease his burden.  As I'm slowly wrapped in the silence of the night I reach out and ask God for one small miracle. Just one, so I can give back to this wonderful man all that he has already given me and my girls in the 5 short months we have had him. They say that love is all you need. I have plenty of that but I know that's not enough. 

Time To Move On

I got the news today that it's time to pack up and move on. Boss 1 (my father) informed me that I really should look for a new job. Real Estate stinks right now and I'm making no money.  He wants to make sure I can take care of The Heir and The Spare.  Here's one more sign that change is coming. I will still be able to work for him from home. I've been working towards a change in career. Boss 1 wants to see me find something by the time he comes back from his summer vacation the first month of August. Now, I've got an incentive to really get the ball rolling.  The Knight has been urging me to step out of my little box and do something better with my "creative brain" (totally his words.)  It seems the Universe is putting the pieces in place to make that happen.  I really want to find something to do that will pay me enough money to support our new family. But, this time that something must be fun. I've probably got 30 more working years left in me. They are going to be doing something that is fun, creative and makes me happy. I owe that to myself and my new family.

The Struggle Continues

The Heir and I are battling again. I know this is only the beginning of many battles to come. She's hot and heavy for a new song for her iPod. The one she wants has the F-Bomb in it at least once. The "clean" version is hardly any better. It's only one word, she tells me over and over. She hears it all the time in school. I told her she shouldn't have to hear that language in school. I refuse to perpetuate it by buying her a song with the F-bomb in it. Apparently, I never let her do anything she wants to do. She reminds me again that she's not the same age as The Spare. That's true but you're not a teenager either. Ahh, the joys of adolescence. If I survive The Heir then The Spare and The Princess-in-Waiting should be a breeze. Well, at least I hope they will be.

Happy 4th!!

Well, we sure had a great time today. The Spare marched in the local parade. The Queen Mother marched with her Jazzercise group and The Spare got to participate. We were cheering and screaming for her. We were so proud. She squirted that water bottle so well.  Afterwards, we hung out on the Eastport bridge waiting for the fireworks. It was a good show. I think what we liked the most was sharing it with The Knight. It was so nice to have him there with us. "Just like a real family!" in the words of The Spare. Hope everyone had a great holiday. It's great to be an American!!

This Week on The Sister Grows Up

HELLO!!! No one is going to save you! You have to save yourself! The meaning of independent is doing it on your own. So, stop waiting for someone to swoop in and rescue you. Get off your ass and rescue yourself!!

Still Going Strong

Is there really nothing else better to talk about then Michael Jackson? I can't believe he hasn't fallen off the news cycle yet. It's been a week already!! Isn't there something going on in Iraq that requires some attention? Hasn't Lindsey or Paris done something really stupid that we could talk about for awhile? Yes, Michael Jackson was a huge icon. Yes, his death was tragic and unexpected. But, I don't give two rat's behinds about his money troubles. I don't want to know where Bubbles the Chimp is now and honestly, how in the world can Jermaine Jackson name his kids Jafar and Jermajesty and not bust a gut laughing every time he calls them.  It's sad Michael's children are now fatherless but if I hear the name Blanket one more time. Ugh!! Give the kids to their grandmother already and move on.  Let's not forget they do have mother's. It's not like these three are orphans. And if those mother's were stupid enough to have their parental rights purchased by that nutcase, I'm not shedding any tears. Idiots!!  The man's talent was immeasurable. His music, especially the early stuff, was great. But, his wacky and eccentric personal life overshadows all that talent. It's sad that it took his death to remind everybody how great he once was. Knowing how tortured he was I can just imagine what he must be saying up there in heaven too Elvis. "F-ing AHoles!!! Where were they when my last two albums tanked?!"  Let the man rest in peace and move on to more important things.  Like why in the world Sarah Jessica Parker chose the names Marion and Tabitha for her new twins? Priorities people!!

Enough Already!!

Ok, so the past few posts have been way to weepy. Time to get back to what I do best. I've been busy over the last couple of weeks taking classes in the hopes of breaking out of my current line of work and getting into something new. Another innovation by our friends at The Knight, Inc. (Ha ha) Yup, my sweetie has nothing but high hopes that I'll realize my true potential and do something great. Remember the novel? Well, it's still simmering in the back of my mind. I keep a little spiral notebook in my laptop bag to jot down ideas that pop into my head. I've got a couple pages of interesting stuff. The challenge is to get in to a place where I can really sit and focus all my brain power on it. Ya know, being creative requires some serious concentration sometimes. One thing that helps fuel the fire is the dread I feel every morning when I look at that big, brick office building I have to walk into. I'm very dissatisfied with my current job. But, that's not news to anyone who reads me on a regular basis. The classes I've been taking have to do with Wedding and Event planning. Now, there's a job that is perfect for me. It's been a lot of fun. Especially because I can buy bridal magazines with the excuse of needing them for class research. Hey, a wedding planner needs to read those babies too! I never had the fun of planning my own wedding so I enjoy reading the magazines and imagining what I would have done had I been giving the opportunity. I got married at the courthouse. I love to plan things for people. Whether it's a great vacation (hmm maybe that's why I became a travel agent) or an amazing wedding, I love it. But, is it possible to make some good money doing it? I think so. Besides, if you're going to spend the majority of your life working shouldn't the job be something you really enjoy? I think so.