Can You Feel The Silence?

Tonight, I lay in bed alone. The silence presses down around me like a heavy blanket.  In the dark I can hear the quiet whisper of the house. Sleeping alone for the first time in 10 days makes my heart ache. The bed is cold beside me. I miss the strong arms wrapped around me while I sleep. I miss the sight of his bald head on the pillow beside me. I miss the familiar and comforting sounds of a man in deep sleep. A gentle snore, a soft sigh, a sudden cough, the brush of his beard on the back of my neck. For 10 days I got to live a life that I've wanted so desperately for so long. The only thing that would have made it perfect would be the sound of our three darling daughters going about their daily lives. Now, our little trip to the future is over. We're separated again by miles. I'm locked in a prison once more. The trusted Blackberry my only life line to the security the sound of his voice brings. I have never been able to wait patiently for something that I want really badly. It's my greatest fault. And there is nothing I want more then to fall asleep in The Knight's arms tonight.  I know I shouldn't have this problem. Good grief! I was alone for almost 10 years! Yes, but now that I've been reminded of what I've been missing I can't live without it. It's the closest thing to an addiction that I'll ever have. So, I'll wait as best I can for each day to end. I'll will myself to sleep alone in this bed because I know the end of each day brings me one day closer. I take comfort in the fact that soon I will never be alone again. 

The Party's Over

Well, this is it. Playing house with The Knight is over. The Heir and The Spare come home tomorrow. I'm looking forward to hugging them again. I miss them. I'm not looking forward to not being able to see The Knight every day. I'll miss that so much.

10 Years

On June 28, 1999, my life changed. I was 25 years-old. The mother of a 2 year-old child. I remember that day like it was yesterday. I was supposed to be taking my daughter to the doctor. We only had one car at the time and I was waiting for my husband to come pick me up from work so I could then drive him back to his work and go pick up our daughter from the babysitter. I was using my 15 minute break to get him back to work. He was late. I was pissed. When he didn't show up I called his mother to see if she knew where he was. She told me she got a strange phone call about Michael and the ER. I frantically looked for the number of the hospital he was supposed to be in. When I finally got through, all I was told was I needed to come to the hospital as soon as I could. I had no car. I had no way to get there. I didn't know what I was going to do. I called my mother-in-law to tell her and she told me my husband's brother was on his way to get me. I called the hospital again hoping to get some information. When I told the doctor I couldn't get there, she finally told me what I knew in the back of my mind was coming. He was dead. Just like the movies, everything slowed to a crawl. I saw the phone fall from my hand. I collapsed on to the floor. All I could think about was our daughter. She adored him and now he was gone. The rest of the day is a blur of images. My brother-in-law screeching into the parking lot and letting out an inhuman howl when I told him the news. Rushing to the gas station that my father-in-law owned. Trying desperately to find a way to get to the hospital to see for myself that he was actually dead. When I finally got a hold of a car and was alone I burst into tears. The last words I had spoken to him had been in anger.  Memories of my husband from happier times began to  fill my mind. Our daughter, the dog he loved, the little house in Edgewater that he was so proud of. I remember seeing his body on that gurney and seeing my father-in-law sitting on the floor in agony. I just stood there, looking at him. I sank to the floor and felt every drop of love I had ever felt for anyone leave me. I didn't know if I would ever love again. Somehow my own parents ended up there. I don't remember calling them but I guess I did. No one should have to go to the morgue and identify the body of their 26 year-old spouse. It's something that I never want to do again. I stood on the other side of that glass wishing I was in a dream. My step-father and I went to the police station to try to find my car. The responding officer had gone home at the end of his shift with my keys in his pocket. A few days later they released his body to the funeral home and didn't send his personal effects with the body. My kind and loving step-father made the trip to the DC General morgue to retrieve the only thing I had left, my husband's wedding ring. I was left alone to raise a 2 year-old child. How would I tell her her daddy was gone? That 2 year-old child is now 12 and the surprise my husband left me is now 9. I can't say for sure if we survived these last 10 years well. I know I could have done so much better for them. They say that time heals all wounds but the pain of that day is still and will always be fresh in my mind. I loved him and I failed him. I couldn't save him from himself. I live with that failure every time I look into the eyes of his children.  I'm sorry I couldn't do more for you Michael. I love you.

You're A Winner!

Well, with just a few days left to go on our mini-vacation, I managed to ruin a perfectly pleasant Saturday night with three words. "Are you alright?" I find myself asking The Knight that question a lot. It really aggravates him to no end. I don't mean too. I find it just slips out when I least expect it. How do I explain the gnawing little fear that sits in the farthest corner of my mind, wondering if something is going to happen to him? I didn't ask the father of my children that question nearly enough. If I had would he still be alive? Not for my sake but for The Heir and The Spare. I accepted long before he passed that we would not spend the rest of our lives together. I knew a divorce was imminent. But, if I had done just a little bit more would their father still be alive? Now that another man is around to fill that void what if something were to happen to him? It's something I live with every day. And that is why I'm sitting alone on a Saturday night while The Knight sleeps upstairs. All because I can't shake that small nagging fear that I'll loose him again. Six months ago nobody could have convinced me that someone would love me again. I had accepted that I was going to be alone for the rest of my life. Because I can't let go of my fear I may find myself alone again and it will be no one's fault but my own. 

National Draw

Today, The Heir and I drove to Marlton, NJ for a lacrosse tournament. It was an uneventful trip until it was time to go to the field. We made it to our hotel, the Hampton Inn in Mount Laurel. We have a nice room and the bed is to die for. After dropping off our bags and a quick change into uniform we were off. We had plenty of time to get to the field. The front desk had provided us with a map. What a joke! Who knows where that lead too. We stopped to ask for directions. The guy at Pep Boys gave me a drawing. I know he was giving me correct info but his map made no sense. 45 minutes later we're still lost. The Heir called her coach to let her know where we were. She called back with directions and I still couldn't find it. I was about to throw in the towel. Finally, after an hour of driving around Marlton we found our destination. I dropped The Heir off, parked the car and burst into tears. The only thing that made the evening worse was the fact that The Knight couldn't join us until the morning. I was in bad need of a hug after the driving disaster. Oh well. I'll stretch out in the big comfy bed alone and wait to see him in the morning. Now that I know where to go there won't be any problems. Whew! This is a lot of work for one girl's love of lacrosse. Do a get a gold star when it's over?

Farrah and Michael

Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson died today. The news of both was shocking and sad. I didn't particularly care for Michael Jackson but he was an icon of our time. The media frenzy over his death is crazy. It's a shame the same kind of attention couldn't be devoted to Farrah Fawcett as well. She was an icon in her own right and deserves just as much attention. I guess, though, it must be a bit of a relief to her family that something else has taken the spotlight off of them in their time of grief. Thankfully they both are at peace.

A Peek Into The Future

I've missed The Heir and Spare while they've been gone this week. But, I've enjoyed the time I've been able to spend with The Knight while they've been away. The Princess-in-Waiting is also on vacation so it's been just me and The Knight since Sunday. What bliss!! It's so nice to have someone to come home too. I've enjoyed leaving the office and talking to him about what we're going to have for dinner. He's lovingly made me dinner even though he's exhausted from work. I've made it clear from the start that I'm a horrible cook so it's take out or nothing if dinner is left up to me.  Most nights we just sit on the couch and talk and laugh. I've enjoyed that so much. I'll be happy when the girls come home. They're my children and I miss them. But, I'll miss all the time I've been able to spend with The Knight. It seems like so long until the 5 of us can be together as a family. I know he wants that as much as I do. It's the waiting that kills me. I imagine he enjoys coming home to someone just as much as I do. To be honest, I secretly hope he loves it so much he won't want to wait to move in together. But, I know that he's better than that. He has strong beliefs and I respect that. It takes a lot to stand by your beliefs and values in today's society. He's teaching me everyday to be a better person. I'm so lucky and happy that he's back in my life. I really don't understand how anyone could let such a wonderful man go. I guess I could have been asked that question when I did it. Now, I've been given a second chance to right one of the wrongs of my past. Who knew this was the reward God had in store for me at the end of this long road. After 10 years of heartache, sorrow and silent suffering I get to know the joy of being loved again. If this is my future I hope I get to live it for a very long time.

When There's 12 What's 2 More

This week The Heir and Spare are visiting royal relatives in a neighboring kingdom. Their father passed away 10 years ago. I try to make sure they visit with that side of the family as much as possible. My sister-in-law has blessed this world with 12 children. They're all great kids. I came into the picture when she only had 5. That little baby is now 16 years-old. Good gravy!! In the summer her kids spend their entire day outside. If you're under the age of 13 you can't come in unless you have to use the bathroom. Some might think that's barbaric but when I was a kid The King and Step-Queen imposed the same rules. We had a great time roaming the neighborhood getting into all kinds of trouble. The Heir and Spare have all day access to a pool and trampoline, plenty of other kids to play with and lots of room to run around. Most importantly, when they come home they appreciate a little more what they have.  The Spare doesn't mind sitting and relaxing a little instead of always wanting something to do. The Heir learns to appreciate her little sister a bit more. When you're one of 12 things are very different. My sister-in-law has an amazing bunch of kids. She and her Prince have done a great job raising them. Every time I go down I marvel at the control she has, something I'm sadly lacking and I only have two. Even though they're father is gone I'm thankful they have the opportunity to spend time with him through the sister that adored him. She's a remarkable woman and I love her dearly.

Second Class Citizen

When it comes to car maintenance, why are women treated like second class citizens? I'll be the first to admit that I hate dealing with car maintenance. I don't even enjoy pumping my own gas. I'm more than happy to turn all that stuff over to The Knight. However, sometimes a girl's got to get the job done. I had to get a tire replaced on the Royal Coach today. One tire. I pulled in this morning on my way to the office to get it done. I wasn't expecting it to be quick. I was ready to leave the Coach there and come back later. I explained I only wanted one tire. The man at the counter took my info and went out to look at the Coach. I showed him the bad tire that The Knight had already taken off. He didn't want his girls driving around on a tire that could literally explode at any time. The guy told me I really needed to get them all replaced. Of course, I knew he would say that. He dramatically told me that the front tires were well on their way to going just as bad as the one I was replacing. Well, I found that hard to believe since the front tires were not nearly as old as the rear. I understand but I can only afford one right now, I told him. He shrugged and we went back inside. I asked how long it would take. I was reassured it would not take long. Not long to me meant 30 minutes maybe 45. I could wait that long. I got in there at 9 am and didn't leave until 12:45. I was pissed. If they had told me it was going to take that long I would have gladly called someone to get me and take me to work. What really killed me was the fact that there was only 4 people ahead of me. 4!! Then, after waiting for 2 hours another lady came in and her car got done before mine. WTF?!?!? Once it was finally done they gave me some doom and gloom about a bunch of other stuff that would need to be taken care of soon. Lucky for me it's all stuff The Knight could probably take care of. I got my one tire for a ridiculous price in both money and time. I freakin' HATE car maintenance!!

Happy Father's Day!!

To all those I love Happy Father's Day! I hope you get to spend your day doing exactly what you want. You deserve it!!

NO DOUBT!!! They were AWESOME!!

Well, after a long day on the lacrosse field and a nice lazy morning with The Knight I spent the rest of the day relaxing in my recliner with a stack of magazines and my iPod. It was nice after two busy Heir-centered weekends. I did have another reason for spending the day doing nothing. The Knight, Heir and I went to see No Doubt tonight. We drove out to Nissan Pavilion in VA for the show. It was a long drive, especially the last 5 miles that took us 30 minutes to inch along. It was all worth it in the end. The Heir's favorite group, Paramore, opened for them. They weren't bad. I didn't know any of their music but The Heir did. She sang along to every song. She wouldn't get up and dance though. There weren't very many other people dancing around us and she was worried she would look stupid. I tried to explain to her that nobody would care but she wouldn't listen. At 9:00 No Doubt came on. The roar of 25,000 people is pretty impressive. They put on a real great show. The drummer was wearing nothing but tighty-whities and black checkered knee socks. He had his hair done in this real crazy mohawk and had black eyeliner and lipstick on. There set design was all black and white so he looked really cool. They played a lot of songs. I knew most of them. It was a really good show. The Knight didn't do any dancing, neither did The Heir for that matter. They stood and watched all that was going on. I was the one who was jumping and dancing like crazy. Every once in awhile The Heir would clap along to something. She was concerned The Knight wasn't having any fun because he was just standing there watching. He assured he had a great time. It was a great family outing with our oldest child. We're going to make a point of do something with each one of our kids individually at least once a month. But, not always something as expensive as a concert.

Charm City

Whew! I'm exhausted! The Heir had another lacrosse tournament today. We were up and on the road at 6 am to drive to Parkton, MD for an 8:00 game. She had five games. Thankfully, the morning was pretty nice. There was a real nice breeze and it wasn't too hot. It made the hour and a half wait between each game easier. However, by noon it got much warmer. The Heir played well. Her team won 3 games, tied 1 game and lost 1 game. Overall, it was a good day. If the team they lost too had lost its last game then The Heir's team would have moved on to the semi-finals of the tournament. It would have been great but I was kind of glad they didn't. We had been on the lacrosse field for 7 hours and I was beat. Getting into the semi-finals would have meant a few more hours on the field.  The Heir has turned into a great lacrosse player. I can't even begin to imagine how good she's going to be in high school. She's come a long way from the little 3rd grader pushing a ball around on the ground. We get a brief rest from tournaments until the end of the month, then it's on to New Jersey for another weekend of lacrosse.

Next Stop; A Second Chance!!

Have you ever looked around and wondered, "What am I doing here?" I've been doing that a lot lately. Sometimes I find myself daydreaming about the many events that have happened over the years to bring me to where I am now. Daydreaming is definitely not the right word to describe it. Is there a word that means the same as nightmare does for bad dreams? Daydreaming has a happy warm feeling about it. When I daydream things like our next Walt Disney World trip or The Knight pop into my head. You know, happy things. The stuff I've found myself thinking about lately would not be considered happy. I often think about what I would change about my past if I were given the chance. Many people can say nothing but not me. I asked my sister that question the other day. I can say without a doubt that Sleeping Beauty would change nothing. Of course, she's the Heir in our family so why would she change anything. I, on the other hand, can think of many things. Staying at one college instead of going to three and never graduating. Breaking up with The Knight over some stupid innuendos made by his roommates all those years ago (he would disagree with me on that one but whatever.) Letting my financial life turn into such a mess. Letting 10 years of widowhood go by with not a damn thing to show for it. Thankfully, my life has changed for the better over the last 4 months. My Heir and Spare are happier now that I've become happier. I've been inspired to change in ways I never would have had the courage to in the past. It's exciting. The fallout from some of the decisions I've started to make will be a pain in the tail. But, I'm not afraid of that kind of stuff anymore. I want to be happy again. I want The Heir and The Spare to be happy. I want our new life with our new family to be exciting and fulfilling for everyone involved. I'm not going to spend the rest of my life alone and that is something I would never change.

Do You Hear Thunder?

Love is a very funny thing. It causes you to do things you would never, under any circumstances do. Like walking two miles in the pouring rain at 930 at night. Yes, that's exactly what I did last night. When I sit and think about why I have no answer. I know it's important to get in some more exercise and get back to that girlish royal figure that made even my spoiled sister Sleeping Beauty jealous. But, what would possess me to agree to begin that much needed exercise in the middle of a thunderstorm? Does The Knight have that much power over me? Emotionally, I would say yes. Against all logic and with mascara streaming into my eyes I dragged my butt out there and walked. I wasn't happy at all. But, I did it. This morning when I woke up every muscle from the waist down was locked up so tight I thought I was paralyzed. I hoped The Knight would leave the bed quickly so I could painfully drag myself out of bed to use the bathroom. The last thing I wanted to do was admit to being in any kind of pain. I spent the rest of the day walking gingerly on my poor tired feet. The whole day knowing I would have to do it all again tonight. I must really love this guy.

Happily Ever After

In the search for satisfaction many things jump out at me. I'm searching for a new direction in my life to go along with the new relationship I've had for the last 4 months. There are so many boring things I could do with my life. But, as I mentioned yesterday, I've got to aim higher. I've been racking my brain all day for things that I enjoy, stuff that I'm good at. I enjoy people, ask any one of my Twitter subjects and they'll tell you I'm a people person. I love chatting with them and helping them when I can. In my personal life I'm anything but organized, as evidenced by the mess that's currently sitting on the Royal desk. But, on the job I'm Miss Perfection. I can't stand a messy desk at work. I can't even stand a messy desktop on a computer. Everything has a place and you better believe it's there when I leave. I enjoy putting together a good party. I don't necessarily enjoy being the host of that party. I'll leave the mingling to someone else. Nothing brings me more satisfaction then seeing an event go off without a hitch. A younger Royal cousin of mine got married a few years back. I was there of course, because I'm family but also to do her makeup and makeup for the bridal party. They had a Wedding Director there from the church to over see things. I don't know if she thought I was someone more important then just a cousin and makeup artist or if she was looking for a way out of her duties so she could enjoy the party.  The Wedding Director ended up drunk as a skunk and trying to get into the pants of all the young ushers. And, I ended up being the one in charge. I didn't mind in the least, it was a lot of fun. My aunt still talks about the amazing job I did even now. It really was a lot of fun. Every so often someone in my family remembers that wedding and tells me I should seriously consider becoming a wedding planner. I think I just might.

Is That Restless I See Before Me?

It seems the ugly head of restlessness has popped up in my path again. For about a month I've been trying to secure my own little castle with no luck whatsoever. Nothing could be more frustrating. The Heir and Spare are feeling the same restlessness that has gripped me for the last few weeks. The same thing always pops up to shut me down. I realized today that I've had the same job for 8 years. The only thing about my job that I find remotely rewarding is the flexibility and even that is not what it used to be. The Knight tells me every day to get out there and find something else. Not only because I could really use the money and a benefits package but also because I could do more with my talents. Talents? No one has ever told me I was talented at anything. Well, I guess I've got a talent for making a mess of my life. Just take a look at the last 10 years. I'm pretty good at making babies. I've done it twice and they seem to be half way decent. My younger sister and her husband want to have a baby. I always tell her to let me carry it. I've already proven I can do it and why should she ruin her figure when I've already ruined mine. The idea that I may be good at something else is kind of strange. Having somebody tell me that I'm actually good at something is even stranger. I've always found that the bad stuff that people tell you about you is easier to believe. So, now I find myself itching for something new. I've already started down the road to a new life over the last 4 months. A new relationship, happier kids. Now a new job. I've got to think outside the box this time. The Knight expects nothing less.

Running On Fumes

Boy, when I woke up this morning I thought for sure it was all a dream. Not that the crazy weekend I just lived through was a dream but actually waking up to start another week was a dream. All I wanted to do this morning was roll over and throw the covers back over my head. I'm not a Monday person to begin with but tack a Monday on to the weekend of non-stop driving I just did and I'm done before the day even starts. Even The Heir and Spare are walking around like zombies. Today is also the beginning of the end; the end of school that is. The girls have two hour early dismissals for the rest of the week. Actually, they're done on Wednesday. The Spare gets out on Tuesday due to construction starting at her school. What I don't understand is why they can't wait 1 day? How much of a difference would that make? The Heir was not happy that The Spare gets to sleep in on Wednesday while she has to get up and go to school one more day. To be honest, I'm not happy they're getting out of school at all. I'm a big advocate of year-round school. I have a few friends in different states whose kids go to school year-round. They say it's wonderful. I'm all for it. The amount of knowledge lost over 3 months of Summer vacation is amazing. Not to mention having to work out arrangements for the kids while I'm at work. It's all so taxing. I'm already wishing for the end of August so they can go back. It's not that I don't love being around my children but 3 straight months of non-stop entertaining is enough to make me want to surgically implant an alcohol IV into my arm. This summer, however, we have The Knight. It will be so nice to have another adult to share the summer time entertainment burden with.

Another Busy Day!

Ok, the frenzied weekend continues. Today The Heir had her graduation from modeling school. It seems this weekend was all about The Heir. Anyway, the three of us made the trek out to George Mason University. The Heir had to be there at 9 am for rehearsal. Graduation wasn't until 3 in the afternoon. Since we don't live close enough to drive home, The Spare and I were stuck in Fairfax, VA with nothing to do for 5 hours. If I had been there alone I would have found a Barnes and Noble and worked on my laptop all day. This was not going to be an option with The Spare in tow. Surprisingly, she suggested we go over to Mount Vernon. She had seen the road sign for it on the way down. The Heir and Spare had been there before with their grandparents so I was surprised she wanted to go back. I whipped out the trusty laptop to see if this would be an option. I only had limited access to funds since I stupidly lost my check card last Friday. Turns out I had just enough cash to get us in so I mapquested the directions and we were on our way. Thankfully, the weather couldn't have been more perfect. It wasn't too hot, there was a nice breeze blowing. The only downside was a large number of tour buses but it wasn't too bad. Unfortunately, I didn't have on very good foot wear since my plan for the day had consisted of sitting in a bookstore with my laptop but I managed. We learned a lot of interesting things and had some fun. We're going to come back again with The Knight and Princess-in-Waiting. Finally, it was time for the real reason we were in the area. Graduation Day! The show was good. The Heir looked great. There were over 200 girls there. During their "graduation walk" each girl was escorted out by a handsome young male model. The Heir scored the cutest one of all. I found out to late that I had forgotten my good camera so the I had to use my Blackberry. I'm not hopeful that they're going to turn out well. I was so mad. The Heir looked really good during the "American-Western" segment of the show. She worked really hard for 6 months. We suffered through a lot of whining about missing fun stuff but she stuck with it. Now, the real work begins. Hopefully, she'll start getting some jobs and putting all that training to use.

Burned To A Crisp

Well, today was the start of a very busy weekend. The Heir is involved in a lacrosse club called CCLax. They participate in tournaments over the summer. Today we hauled butt down to Ocean City for a tournament. It runs over the entire weekend but The Heir could only participate today. She's got something else going on tomorrow. We left early and drove like mad only to find out that I mistakenly got the time for her first game wrong. She ended up only playing the last 3 minutes. I was less than pleased. She didn't play again until 6:30 in the evening. We had to kill an entire day. We parked up on 1st St and hung out on the beach. The girls played in the sand and braved the frigid Atlantic. We dropped $20 on lunch. I swear for a couple minutes I thought we might actually be in Disney World. The Spare very quickly got bored so we packed up a little early and walked on the Boardwalk. Of course, we had to get some Thrasher's Fries. Yummy and delicious. The Heir played her last two games at 6:30 and 7:30 in the evening. They didn't win either but they played really well. We didn't get home until almost midnight. What an exhausting day!! We did decide to come back out to OC with The Knight and Princess-in-Waiting later in the Summer. The Heir and Spare even picked out the hotel as we were driving down the Strip on the way back to the lacrosse fields. A long weekend with the new family at the beach should be fun. I would definitely like to get my hands on another bucket of Thrasher's Fries.