Why Can't I Let Myself Be Happy?
I don't understand me. What is wrong with my brain that keeps me from accepting something nice and enjoying it? My birthday is on Sunday. You would think that The Knight would have something wonderful planned. Well, he doesn't. And that's not because he's a horrible, uncaring monster. It's because I am. For some reason I can't let myself enjoy something as simple as a cake and a song with the four people I care about most. No, there will be no cake. No one will sing a song. There will be no presents. Why? Because I'm a stupid ass who can't allow herself to be happy. I'll spend the day doing nothing because that is what I fought for. Deep down inside I'll be miserable. I'll miss the out of tune "Happy Birthday" sung by those three girls and the lumpy cake The Knight would have made. I'll miss the excited looks on their faces as I open the gifts they bought. The day will start with nothing and end with nothing and it will be my fault. I'm ashamed of myself. This is the kind of thing that will lead me back to that miserable lonely life I led just nine months ago.


