Why Can't I Let Myself Be Happy?

I don't understand me.  What is wrong with my brain that keeps me from accepting something nice and enjoying it?  My birthday is on Sunday.  You would think that The Knight would have something wonderful planned.  Well, he doesn't. And that's not because he's a horrible, uncaring monster.  It's because I am.  For some reason I can't let myself enjoy something as simple as a cake and a song with the four people I care about most.  No, there will be no cake.  No one will sing a song.  There will be no presents.  Why? Because I'm a stupid ass who can't allow herself to be happy.  I'll spend the day doing nothing because that is what I fought for.  Deep down inside I'll be miserable.  I'll miss the out of tune "Happy Birthday" sung by those three girls and the lumpy cake The Knight would have made.  I'll miss the excited looks on their faces as I open the gifts they bought.  The day will start with nothing and end with nothing and it will be my fault.  I'm ashamed of myself.  This is the kind of thing that will lead me back to that miserable lonely life I led just nine months ago.

Happy Twitterversary!!

2 years ago today I jumped in to the wonderful world of Twitter. Way before it got big I might add.  I've met some wonderful and amazing people along the way. And it's all thanks to my good Disney buddy "Earl".  Now, over 17,000 tweets later, I'm still rolling along. I love my Twitter family!!

It's The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year

It's that time of a year again.  My favorite time of year actually.  No, it's not Back to School, although I do enjoy that time very, very much.  It's Fall Fashion issue time again!! I've discussed my love of fashion magazines on this blog before.  I subscribe to 10 of them.  Twice a year they trot out the big fashion issues. Nothing is as big as the Fall issues.  These suckers are thousands of pages.  Every single page is more amazing than the one before.  I love sitting on the couch and pouring through every one page by page.  I always wait until every issue has arrived before I begin.  I can't bring myself to start reading until I've got them all in a pile on my lap.  That ends up being a very heavy pile.  I can get lost for hours in the beautiful shoes, clothes, accessories and makeup.  And yes, I read every single page, ads and all.  As a cosmetics junkie I naturally spend a lot of time looking at all the makeup. But, I also love the clothes.  I can't afford any of it but I still love imagining what it would be like to afford all that wonderful stuff.  I know for sure the mail lady will be happy when they've all been delivered.  Yesterday the stack was so big she had to walk to the door to deliver it because it wouldn't all fit in the mailbox.  That's why I always make her an extra big bag of cookies at Christmas time.  I've only got 2 more to wait for before I can dive in. Until then my stack of Fall Fashion magazines will fill the void in the bed that The Knight has left this week.  It's not as good as The Knight's strong arms but they make me just as happy.

Taking Woodstock

I'm watching "Woodstock: Then & Now" on The History Channel.  I've got to get a copy of this for my personal collection.  As The Knight can attest I was a HUGE hippie in high school and early college.  The Knight and I were an unlikely pair in those days.  I wore grungy tie-dyes and massive bell bottoms. He was always in a button-down oxfords and penny loafers.  I drove a beat up old Honda hatch-back with every peace lovin', save the Earth hippie sticker I could find plastered all over it.  He and his twin brother shared a Cadillac Cimarron.  Yes, we were a very unlikely couple.  Of course, I could clean up real nice when the situation warranted.  He still remembers what I wore to the annual holiday trip to the Naval Academy to see "The Messiah."  I only vaguely remember the outfit in question, a white fuzzy sweater, white leggings and a white ankle length lace over-skirt.  The Knight still remembers it vividly because he could see my butt through the skirt.  How cute is he?  Apparently, his mother was appalled.  But, that was me.  I didn't care what anybody thought about me.  I would give anything to have the opportunity to go back in time and experience Woodstock.  I know for a fact that I was born in the wrong era.  When I was a teenager everything about the 60's and the hippie way of life appealed to me.  Nothing was more disappointing to me at that time then to learn that neither of my parents had been there.  My father, to his credit, was slogging it out in Vietnam.  An event that to this day he absolutely refuses to talk about.  My mother wasn't at Woodstock either.  I couldn't believe it.  Even in the 60's she thought all those hippies were crazy.  I was crushed.  Now that I'm older I'm not as crunchy as I was in those days.  I went from hardly bathing with huge natty dreads in my hair to a cosmetics junkie that gets manis and pedis on a regular basis.  But, as I sit and watch this documentary about Woodstock I remember all that I was back in those days.  That girl was so free and innocent.  And that was what The Knight loved about me as a girl.  I've lost some of that innocence but I think I've still got some of that carefree hippie in me.  And thank God, he still loves me now.

Did You Hear That?

Today was a very strange day.  I can't put my finger on just what was wrong.  It didn't help any that The Knight's cat woke me up at 6:30 in the morning.  On a Sunday!! Come on Cat, cut me some slack!!  I felt like I was hung over when I stumbled down the stairs to feed it.  The empty bed was another disconcerting element.  Strange considering every other week I sleep alone any way.  But, usually not in The Knight's bed so I guess that was why it was so odd.  Another quiet night stretches out before me.  Every little sound makes me stop.  I'm not afraid to be by myself.  But, there's some speculation over whether I might get an unwelcome visitor.  So, every car door slamming causes me to wait for the banging on the door.  So far all has been quiet.  I've never wanted a week to go by quicker.  I'm ashamed of myself for being so pathetic.  What a great example to set for The Heir and The Spare.  I'm so glad this day is over. 

House Sitter

The Knight and The Princess-in-Waiting have gone to Tampa for a week's vacation.  I'm here watching the house and the scraggly cat that I can't stand. The house is very lonely and empty with The Knight gone.  I don't like it one bit.  I'm not afraid to be here alone.  But, it's like the house knows he's gone.  Even his big weird fish is moping at the bottom of the tank.  I've been sitting here watching Titanic on TNT.  It's the best love story ever and it makes me think of The Knight.  He told me that I was the catalyst for the changes he made in his life after we parted all those years ago.  This movie makes me think of that every time I watch it. I miss him.  He laughs at me because he says he doesn't get the chance to miss me because we talk on the phone.  That may be true but it's not the same as seeing his face, hearing him laugh, seeing him smile.  His chair is empty and everything in the house seems a little dull.  I know I'm such a dork but I can't help it.  He breaths life into everything I do now and when he's gone I feel a little lost.  I'm so glad he's not a truck driver or one of those guys who fishes for months at a time on a big boat.  I don't think I would be able to handle it.  This will be the last summer that we take separate family vacations.  Six days and counting.  I know I can make it.

Happy Anniversary!!

Wow!! The Knight and I have been together for 6 months today!!  It's amazing how fast time goes by.  I remember like it was yesterday the January night that I first saw him after 18 years.  When he wrapped me up in those strong arms I felt safe for the first time in forever.  I had a tiny bit of hope that we might be able to start over but I didn't want to get ahead of myself.  Valentine's Day rolled around and the rest is history.  Now, here we are, 6 months later and I couldn't be happier.  Well, there are a few things that would make me even happier than I am now but I know they're coming eventually.  I know the next 6 months are going to be interesting.  Lots of things are coming down the road that will test our resolve. I have no doubt that we will sail through them all with flying colors and come out the other end a stronger couple.  I can't wait to see where we are when our 1 year anniversary arrives.  I love The Knight!!